windows and tacos.

twice today i have stalled in front of windows, held my chin and stared.  i think its mostly because my only outside time is travel time.  my subconscious is wanting to be out and about all day.  when really i've been in and about all day.

monday - tacos
tuesday - taco tuesday
wednesday - tbd, but most likely tacos.

get what you pay for

look for the cheapest flights, get the cheapest flights, get the most impossible connections, switch your carry-on bag 'cus you're worried about making your connection, miss your connection, miss your niece in her first halloween costume.

#sweatyfromrunningbackandforthinthestupidmassiveairport

trading goals

THIS is my new goal.
with our roles slightly swapped.  i just need to find a welsh glass artist.

a topic

i started watching this movie last night.  and finished it this morning before i went into the studio.
now, it IS rated r.  however, i will say that most of my uncomfort came from the tension of the film.
a synopsis for those who can't watch the trailer or something: michael and joana are married. joana accuses michael of being attracted to his coworker lady-friend after a work party.  they argue. then he goes on a business trip with her.  while he's away, joana runs into an old love flare that she is clearly still invested in.  the movie switches back and forth between their evenings and i couldn't decide which was more disappointing.  the man contemplating having sex with a woman other than his wife, even though he is devoted to her and loves her(his wife) or the woman who is open about her doubts concerning her marriage, is faithful, but still in love with another man.

i cried watching it.

there were many moments of two people simply holding each other because they don't have anything else to do.  i think i long to be held because i am loved.

- - -

tonight a dear friend was talking with me about my love life and some complications i'm embracing.  and she shared this song.



i, in all honesty, do not know if i believe that song. the temporality of it. there are people that never get married or find true love. i just think that its not a given for everyone.  and i think my disbelief in the song is in direct correlation with my fear of never finding true love myself.

i have conflicting emotions toward that possibility.  after having met an incredible, 65 year-old single woman who has helped hundreds, at the least, in their educations and careers, i have hope for my life no matter what.  but i'm still pondering and still thinking about what it would mean to never be loved enough to marry.  not that there is any shortage of love in the world, but still, a mormon girl thinks about these things.  it's hard not to feel equal love.

i know these thoughts are unfinished. but, they feel significant.

timp

yesterday, i hiked all the way to the top of this mountain.  11,749 feet (3,581 m)

 my legs now feel like this.

it truly is one of the most beautiful hikes i've ever done.  it is brutal, but totally doable.  i face my fears a little, the heights were a tad scary.  but i did it.  and now i'm done.  and i will probably never do it again.  which i'm okay with.  if i can get the pics from K$ i may post 'em as evidence.

i been busy

so, here is some stuff i'm working on.  it's raw and unfinished, but i just thought i'd update the world on my latest efforts. 3 weeks and counting.  i'd say i'm off to a good start. 

i think these two are going to be a pair. 

this is the tallest one.  he doesn't have a beak yet, but soon. 

the more unfinished one is going to get fired and then be used for a mold.  

gonna see if i can mass produce these guys and still have them feel unique. 

this is a new process for me, but i'm feelin' good about it. 

new today

low quality photo.  high quality studio space.  so so excited for the comings of the year.

woke up late

had i not woken up late this morning, i might have missed an opportunity to say "good morning" back to el presidente of byu today.  yep.  we looked at each other, he said, "good morning" and i said it right back.  cecil O, good morning to you, sir.  and thanks for bringing back women's studies.

more latest pics

 these are my sibs.  i got to be with all of them for a few days.  the whole fam was together.  it was really lovely.

this is at a local pool.  that baby.  too much. 

she belongs in our family.  obsessed with water already.  i love it. 

here's what the hair looks like today.  its a totally different ball game with the curly bits.  it feels really blonde.   i look really worried in this pic, but i'm not actually that worried anymore.  its just an adjustment.  thanks for the encouraging words. 

photo cred: cam and katie and daniel

i did something i've never done before

ALH, my visiting bestie, came with me on this adventure and i'm so happy she did.  she thought i looked like a dr. seuss character.  i thought i looked like someone on a melissa joan heart sitcom.  

then came the foil.  she asked me how i feel.  i said, "foiled". 

 rinse and wash.  best feeling of my life.  how come your head feels so good sometimes?

noticeably lighter while still wet.  i was a little skeptical.  but i just kind of let her do what she wanted.  

the final product.  every hair person wants to straighten my hair.  so i let her.  plus, they all like to cut it straight and dry.  which doesn't always make sense to me, seeing as i have massively curly hair, but shwatev. hasn't been a bad cut yet. 

i feel a little bit like rogue with that blondey streak.  but i feel like i look like a babe.  thanks studio L.  

2 week vacay beginnings

 meeting the beeb was great.  i mean, great great.  a gem of a memory. truly.

just look at her!  i dare you to keep looking.  you won't handle it.  she's too much.

two days ago i arrived in heaven(+biting flies) and i rode the bicycle that once belonged to my mother.  it was a big deal when she got it 'cus it was green.  and not blue or red.  also, i wore a baseball cap for the first time in a real long one.  it was nice.  i think i'll do it again.

i rode down the driveway, past the gate and fallen trees to the dirt road and rode that to the second closest lake to the cabin.  first closest is in front of me right now.  and i'm in the cabin.  anyway, it was lovely.  i completely enjoyed it.  a lot of times on family vacation, i wish that i could bring all of my friends.  and then it might be better.  but also, it's maybe best that my friends aren't exposed to this.  it's nutsy.  (ps- hand is on its way down from fixing the hat.  kinda silly)

!

today i get to see these people.

only the babe now looks like this. 

crazy right? crazy excited. 

alone v lonely

today, i wanted solitude.  so much.  so, after going to my favorite grocery store, buying my favorite fruit, and stopping by my favorite vending machine, i drove onto a "closed road".  i stopped and sat on top of my car. i watched and listened and smelled and thought.  i felt alone and not at all lonely.  i compared my surroundings to lounging on my bed wasting time on the internet or worse, television.  it felt like a breakthrough. 


i recently asked God for some specific blessings and have received pretty immediate responses.  when i was sitting there on my car in the sunlight, the overwhelming emotion i felt was peace.  not a habitual emotion for me.  i felt comfort and success and even a little progress.  it felt epic.  


in an attempt to keep this short, because this feels personal and i have no idea how many people care to read this, i will say:  alone and lonely are very different.  i have passively felt the depths of the latter, but am now choosing the former.  it feels like one of the top 3 choices i've ever made.  


with help from this video, posted recently by a friend, i'm starting a list of things to do alone.  i've decided not to be lonely.  and i'm pretty pleased about that. 

divided

if i could have separate lives, these are the lives i would live:
- the one i'm living now where i become an art teacher and renowned artist after grad school and much world travel.
- the one where i didn't switch to art and i really did become a PA and travel the world working with people and educating them about health.  i think i would live in south africa.  [this is the one i, maybe, wish most was reality]
- the one where i stay in dance classes past 7 years old and i become a triple threat (sing, dance, act) and live and work and love and eat in new york and london and other performing hubs.  [for this, i would have to be good at lying, of sorts, which i am not. very not.]
- the one where i live in the mountains and work at a horse stable teaching peeps to ride beautiful horses and i live outside.  where it's green.
- the one where i study languages, and get recruited by a secret operation because of my mad language skills.
- the one where i'm a jazz singer.
- the one where i have a folk band and i'm on the banjo. [not not an option.  double negative.]
- the one where i'm a midwife. and all i do is work with women and their babies.

i have far too many interests.  it makes it really hard to concentrate sometimes.

best holiday

i haven't always loved the 4th of july.  but, it has become a favorite for sure.

i'm obsessed with this picture. photo cred to "friend" and JM's phone.

two good things

i love the occasional moment when i first look right, then left at an intersection.  whether i'm a pedestrian, biker or driver.  it gently reminds me of a time i once lived in a country where that's the norm.  and then i think that i lived in another country.  and that is so nice.

a baby raccoon sat in my arms tonight.  he is still so tiny, and he has been raised by a human because his parents abandoned him after they were trapped.  so this little rascal walked right over to me and crawled on my leg and sat in my elbow for a few moments.  his feet were so soft and sort of chilled.  and his face was so perfect.  it was the sweetest thing.

something real

this week i felt really privileged.  i've got a lot in my life that i'm grateful for.  i got a car.  still doesn't feel real.  and the second day i had it, the battery died.  par for the course.  it felt very real, then.  Lil' Bud, is his name, and he has been real good to me since i got the new battery.  so there's that.

i've got a really good set of roommates.  i'm supported and loved and cherished.  and i'm grateful for that.  sometimes, when there's trouble, i try not to bring it up, and i just like to pound it out in my own brain.  but J doesn't let me do that.  she makes me say whats up and she and i talk, very frankly, about what we feel and what we need.  i wish there wasn't as much trouble, but its really good to have a person around who makes you deal with things you might just tuck away.  it has been good/hard to have that.  its making me learn.  and little A is just a gem.  she tells me she loves me and we laugh and play and watch shows and talk real life.

school is almost over.  two more weeks.  4 more days of class.  this week i felt like i was buckling under the pressure.  there is a lot to do in the next little while, and i'm slightly behind.  i forgot what spring term classes were like, and a full+ load is just as crazy ( if not, truly crazier) than a fall or winter term.  i'm not finding a whole lot of time, and it really blows to feel just as busy as i did last semester.  i can't wait for this to be done so i can read and lie in my hammock and swim and hike.

i can't remember if i stated this on the blog, but i dubbed 2012 as the year of spiritual progression, which is proving to be true.  maybe just progression.  i'm not sure what i'm learning, but i feel the growing pains.  i know that i am learning, and i know that i am stretching.  but its really difficult for me right now to know what it is exactly.  i'm working on hope, and i'm working on pushing myself to do things i don't/wouldn't do.  i'm thinking.  so much.  about faith, certainty, the future, understanding, eternal patience, my plan.  i've been reaching out to some important people in my life, and they have really been helping me. i'm only just now learning to share things with my mom, and i am seriously trying to be a better sister.  i don't talk to my family enough.  anyway, not the point.  the point is, in all this thinking and talking, i'm feeling antsy about leaving provo and moving on, even though i hear and understand all the "provo is great."  "don't wish away your time there" statements.  college, yes, is a great time.  but i know there is another place waiting for me.  and i need to get there.  i need it.  i'm through with the pressures and anxieties that live in this place, and i need to be away from it.  so i can feel normal.  because, guess what, i am.  and there isn't a mold i need to fit. my dear friend EM helped me understand that sincerity is a great quality, and even though people might not respond to it in this town, it is a real thing in other places.


i'm hearing an argument in my head about living in the present and loving the place where you are.  i hear this person saying, "why can't you just make the most of it?  is there nothing good there?  just live your life and be happy."  and to them i say, "cram it".  let me have this.  i'm different than you and i don't have to love everything.


i'm not saying i won't live a happy life here in the next year, but i am saying that i look forward to a new and different phase.  like always.  i can't seem to learn to love the present.  i'm always worried about something.  call it a coping mechanism.


i have a hard time allowing myself to feel what i feel and not feel sorry for it.  but this is maybe a first step.  i'm not editing this at all.  so its just kind of... pure emotion over here.  but its real.  and its inside me.  and i know there are faults.  i know there are really great things too.  and i know i can make people happy.  and there's a sense of fulfillment in that.


this is too long now.  re-cap, for my own purposes:  growing pains. normal and real.  self-acceptance.  being happy despite (to spite) it all. 


thanks for reading.

out of doors

some weekends, i hike.  

some hikes, i bring a friend.  

fulfilling a promise.

once upon a time, i said i would post this pic.

here it is.  see february 2012 frantic and flattered.

sometimes

sometimes i'm just real glad for non-sunday school on a bench outside with this girl.  

sometimes i just need that. 

i found myself really feeling in the pits on sunday.  heavy stuff from important friends.  i hurt when my friends hurt.  and its not easy to put on a cheery face all the time.  luckily, slash unluckily, my roommates were feeling the same way and i got to just sit outside and talk and nap and cook and eat and play.  benefits of being a ysa, i guess.  but let me just say, that there are some serious disadvantages.  to being a ysa, i mean.  

i never really expected to feel the way i do right now, but mostly because my imagination couldn't get outside college and byu.  boy, have i learned.  i'm so aware of the hard parts of life right now.  i'm aware of judgement and discrimination.  of rejection and dejection.  of depression and change.  this wise girl told me on sunday to make sure i knew what i was getting into.  we all get difficulties and challenges, and sometimes we choose them, but to be sure i know what i'm choosing and be aware of the consequences that could follow.  such wise words right?  she is beyond her years. 

anyway.  phases of emotion.  congrats, i'm a human.  ebb and flow, right?  right.  the Lord has a plan.  that much, i know. 

just a little adventure

 photos compliment of a new friend, JE.  we all drove down friday night, camped just outside Goblin Valley State Park and then went around the bend to hike.  after the hike we went into the park.  such a rad place.

start of the hike.  ding dang canyon.

finished off with a little visit to the goblins.  i was in awe. 

i'm a little bit sore. 

next weekend the ol' roommate is visiting and the weekend after that i'm in capitol reef.  hello summertime.  

yummer

gotta make this.

summer reading list

sex, economy, freedom & community - wendell berry
animal vegetable miracle - barbara kingsolver
animal farm - george orwell
east of eden - john steinbeck (a repeat)
travels with charlie
winter of our discontent
in dubious battle - all john steinbeck

thats what i got so far.  i had a list somewhere, but it disappeared.  any other suggestions?

the end of a season

officially done with finals.  and done with the semester.  

i feel tired.  even though my "finals week" hasn't been that bad, the week before that, and the week before that, were. 

here are some things that have helped me this winter:

bought this a little while ago.  O.P.I. tickle my france-y.  i LOVE this nail polish.  its maybe the only one i have ever cared about.  and i think it should last forever.  i just got really concerned it would go away and very motivated to buy, like, 3 more bottles of it right soon. 

this girl.  our beds are so close.  and we sleep in the same room every night.  she has been a God-send this semester and i am so so glad that we are living together and will continue to until the end of august.  she makes great baked things, is clean, cares about what i do, and always gets ready with me on sunday mornings. [i know my mother would be weeping with joy if she saw how long i took to get ready when i'm with Jro.]

memories of places that truly look like this. 

friends who like to do this. 

and of course, being in love in and with paris.  ugh.  miss it so bad. 

all in all a really busy and emotional semester.  i'm lucky to be done, and to have good people in my life who help me and smile with me and watch river monsters on a whim.  

here's to a whole week off.  classes start on tuesday. 

flattery

this is a lovely photo taken by my friend josie bailey.  she is doing this really awesome project for one of her classes here she interviews and photgraphs 21 different people in 21 days.  i'm number 13.  i didn't quite know what she had in mind when she asked me if she could photograph me, but it was quite lovely.  she asked me questions about leadership and there were some really interesting things discussed.  i just gotta say i felt real flattered by the way she was and what she's written about me.  i think she's a gem and i'm really into her photography.  it looks great.  check her out.

why we have best friends

so, its one of those times where i think i can do homework and watch old movies at the same time.  but really what i'm doing is blogging.  so there you go. 

tonight i was on the phone with my bestie across the country, and we were talking about some things.
updates on work, and school respectively.  i have to write a research paper on an artist who contextualizes me. and i'm looking at this woman.  i was explaining her artwork and this ensued:
me-
"well, we're not totally alike.  i'm not making mormon work, but i am making spiritual work."
bestie-
"that's maybe the coolest thing you've ever said."
me-
"wha?"
bestie-
"that's maybe the coolest thing you've ever said."
me-
"oh."

haha.  i'm feeling full of ideas and really pretty great about it.  not stressed at all. school work will be at maximum in the coming weeks, so... expect some random posts. 

bandwagon

consider this one jumped.

necessities

some days all i want to do is make stuff. 

necessary items in my life:
needles.
thread.
fabric.
glue.
paper.
envelopes.
knitting needles.
pens. lots of pens.
notebooks.(thanks cam and katie for providing so many.)
postcards.
photo editing software.
scissors.
books.

today, i need to do homework. 

a new thing

i'm getting really into staying in touch with people.

all people.

all people i like.

a real human being

so, some days, i really really love being at my home by myself.  it feels like the perfect little thing i've been needing.  this evening i got a little time to myself.  lovely.  i feel like i'm finally listening to my body, and some days, you just need arepas, cookie dough and a bath.  and to paint your nails a new color.  even if the color doesn't really show.  maybe that's what i love most about it.

sometimes it's just plain old nice to treat your body like you love it.  like you know it.  like you notice it. 

i wish that taking care of a spirit was as easy. 

i guess i don't really know how i problem solve.  often i feel like i melt.  but as of recently, i haven't been so proactive about solutions.  i wish that i were.  i wish that there was a magical answer for the questions i have and also i wish that maybe i didn't enjoy not getting them so much.  i don't mean to say that i'm enjoying a little distance from spirituality or anything.  i just feel in full the range of human emotion and struggle. well, maybe not in full, but we all have our limits and our hardships. 

i just feel so satisfied with the fact that i am asking and wondering and searching and struggling and trying.  it feels like real life, even though i live in provo.  where dreams are dreamed(pronounced dreamt).

i've been thinking a lot about my future and graduate school.  also about leaving provo eventually.  and even though i may miss provo, the idea of being somewhere else sounds real nice to me.  really real.  living a different life, where i can read books and make food and have a significant income with rather limited expenses.  i can still do those things here, minus the income.  but in my brain, reading to read just can't happen without a substantial amount of guilt(that is paralyzing some times). 

in summation, i feel conflicted and filled with wonder concerning many things.  when i talk about them i feel passionate, and that feels great. although, some straight up answers/results could be great, i think. 

also, i got my piano back.  i've been playing it. 

a needed break.

a weekend in boise.  just what i needed to get me back on the blogosphere. my friends CA, S, L and J roadtripped with me in a little prius to save gas and the environment all the way to CA's old stomping grounds in boise.  i had never been, but i did so enjoy it.  

here's the seal at the capitol building.  two extra sets of feet.  CA's bro B and an old friend of mine. 

found the self-timer.  beautiful building, am i right?

 we played a game called see how far you can get on a 2 second timer.  funny. 

 the whole crew in the capitol.  post dance party.  yep.  with an iphone.  in the capitol.  

 the greatest climbing tree.  we sat here and had some good talks.
also, i did a few poses.

the beautiful boise river.  it was a great sunday afternoon walk. talk of many great books. and such great bonding moments.  

therapy

today i made james beard's french style bread. 
then i went to sacrament meeting only. 
then i made french onion soup with E. 
then i washed (all) the dishes. 
then i made cookies. 

i think cooking is a serious outlet for me. starting now.

frantic and flattered

today, i was walking, pretty fast.  because i have had butterflies in my stomach all day.  just nerves.  i'm not going to explain.  but i was feeling slightly frantic. 

i could feel someone walking behind me, and i could hear them make a tiny coughing/clearing throat sound.  and then they spoke.  a young man.  well dressed.  accessorized.  he said, "would you mind if i took a photo of you for a style blog?" 

i said sure as a i took a half step back and just sort of looked at him.  he snapped his photo and put his camera down.  i asked him his name, i told him mine.  short pause... "have a good day!"  i said.  then i started walking again. 

seriously?

it was funny and awkward.  but i felt so flattered.  i did actually construct the outfit i wore today.  and i felt good about it.  got a lot of compliments.  i'll post the pic when he does.  ps- i had to ask around and fb stalk to find out the blog.  no one thought it necessary to mention when the photo was taken. (???)

anyway.  a good day.  for you, ALH.  just like you asked.

poetry and criticism

this article is so good. 

finally feel like i'm learning how to be an artist.

???

i think i just had a really bad realization. 

first, i skipped all my usual bedtime routines.  i felt sick, and i wanted to sleep.  so i got in bed. 
3 hours later, i still wasn't asleep.  so, i gave up. 
i went out into the living room with a blanket and pillow.  brought my laptop out there too, and watched an episode of bones. 
maybe addiction is a real real thing.  i think that maybe this is real for me. 

bad realization?  can't sleep without bones?  or just can't sleep when i don't do all the bedtime stuff and it's too hot in my house?  and there's drama occupying my mind?  can't decide what to blame.  can't say i didn't try the sleeping thing for 3 solid hours though. 

gotta wake up in 3 and half hours.  damn.

gotta get ridda that gif

i'm tired of opening my blog and having that gif staring at me in the face saying, "you didn't actually do this! you used a free online program!  what a phony you are!"

some things about now:
-i'm sending a really good letter to whitney today.  pics and all.
-last night, CA and i went to IC and watched aftershock.  i cried more than i have in any other movie.  more than reign over me, even.  i know.  i know.
-this semester became very stressful very suddenly.
-i have been feeling so good about being back in america.
-i have not been feeling so good about 16 credits.
-it's great to be around friends and specifically boy friends.  i missed that.
-i straightened my hair this week.  huh?  who am i even?

also, something i've been feeling lately, that is rather old but still profound: love is real.  more real than anything else.  the noun, love.  the verb, love.  people love.  i love.
i don't know what romantic love looks/feels/smells like.  but i know it's beautiful.  and can be eternal.
i know that loving is so very easy. (way easier than hate)
love consumes me sometimes.  to a point where it's a little bit painful.  loving people that are not in your proximity is so hard.  not practically, just emotionally.  my life is spreading across the world.  and by that i mean the people i love are spreading across the world.  i think i'm saying this to help me keep track of the people/places i love and to always keep them in my mind, but maybe do a better job at compartmentalizing so that i can be productive too.

a hard truth: friends come and go.
i've accepted this.  but it still isn't fair.

fun w/ E

just made this.

ezpz

so, i just made a new blog on wordpress for an assignment.  i gotta say, it was draining.  i appreciate blogger and all it's google related simplicity.  thank you google for being true and best. 

birthday

i woke up to my dear friend's voice.  asking if she woke me up.  to my confirmation she giggled and rejoiced that she could be the first to wish me a happy birthday.  then she promptly told me to sleep once again.  so i did.

then i woke up in plenty of time to get ready.  i had a lot of time to get ready.  which is good, my hair needed attention.  but it worked itself out quickly.  and i wore my prettiest dress.  and the hardest decision i made today was which shoes to wear.  turns out my grey flats aren't so versatile. 

church is in the wilk.  a mere 7 minute walk from my house.  glory. 

sacrament meeting was great.  fast sunday.  i was able to bear my testimony of the Gospel, it's truth and the ability we have to prove our knowledge and religion through the Book of Mormon.  Jesus Christ is real and living.  He is my Savior. 

instead of sunday school, i jetted to the provo temple and saw my deariest of dears for one half hour.  it was wonderful.

i love her. 

then back for relief society.  then home to change clothes.  i talked to the fam for a bit on the phone.  and then it was off to "second sunday" dinner.  lovely pasta with cousins and friends. 

talked to the older bro on the way out of there.  and headed right to my little birthday get together.  which turned out not to be so little.  the place was packed.  and i felt so so so loved.  so many of my provo friends.  and just so many hugs.  after the party died, my brilliant friend started a compliment circle.  a compilation of 10 friends each took a turn saying what they liked about me and some stated their favorite memories.  it was...maybe the best gift i've gotten.  it was really so lovely. 

thank you to all who contributed to this birthday.  here i come 2012.  no regrets.  the year of spiritual progression and dental hygiene. 24 is going to be a great age.

bones!

i just watched two episodes of bones.  on my bed.  with my laptop.  i couldn't be more content.