a real human being

so, some days, i really really love being at my home by myself.  it feels like the perfect little thing i've been needing.  this evening i got a little time to myself.  lovely.  i feel like i'm finally listening to my body, and some days, you just need arepas, cookie dough and a bath.  and to paint your nails a new color.  even if the color doesn't really show.  maybe that's what i love most about it.

sometimes it's just plain old nice to treat your body like you love it.  like you know it.  like you notice it. 

i wish that taking care of a spirit was as easy. 

i guess i don't really know how i problem solve.  often i feel like i melt.  but as of recently, i haven't been so proactive about solutions.  i wish that i were.  i wish that there was a magical answer for the questions i have and also i wish that maybe i didn't enjoy not getting them so much.  i don't mean to say that i'm enjoying a little distance from spirituality or anything.  i just feel in full the range of human emotion and struggle. well, maybe not in full, but we all have our limits and our hardships. 

i just feel so satisfied with the fact that i am asking and wondering and searching and struggling and trying.  it feels like real life, even though i live in provo.  where dreams are dreamed(pronounced dreamt).

i've been thinking a lot about my future and graduate school.  also about leaving provo eventually.  and even though i may miss provo, the idea of being somewhere else sounds real nice to me.  really real.  living a different life, where i can read books and make food and have a significant income with rather limited expenses.  i can still do those things here, minus the income.  but in my brain, reading to read just can't happen without a substantial amount of guilt(that is paralyzing some times). 

in summation, i feel conflicted and filled with wonder concerning many things.  when i talk about them i feel passionate, and that feels great. although, some straight up answers/results could be great, i think. 

also, i got my piano back.  i've been playing it.