only in the vale

Martin Luther King Jr. weekend is a great weekend for the students at byu. it's one of two days off you have during the dreaded winter semester. my good friends decided to make that weekend even better by coming to visit ME! we had a great time. drove lombard street, saw dolphins off the g-g bridge, walked on the beach, and had creme brulee. it was an exciting and unforgettable weekend.

as unforgettable as any weekend in sunnyvale could be.

on sunday morning, we all woke up and got ready to go to my home ward. we all (six of us, including me) decided just a one hour church session was in order. we wanted to have a sunday afternoon on the beach. SO! we sat in the back, all together on the same pew. but i'm getting ahead of myself. let me start with the trip to church.

while driving down the road to get to church, we passed a homeless person, lying on a bench. we noted to all in the vehicle that he was the sunnyvale bum, everyone has seen him. then, as we turn the second corner heading toward the church building, we see the other token bum, sitting at a fast food joint. my mother and i acknowledge that he occasionally comes to church and mumbles in the foyers. THEN, we all took our seats.

the family in front of us is having a rough day at church. one of the little ones isn't even wearing shoes, and the others are being routy. each of the family members leave with respective little ones. they leave the 15-year-old[or so] alone on the pew. [its church, its a safe place. what's the worst that could happen?]

our good friend, the token bum sighted earlier that morning, walks into church and sits in the empty space next to the girl. first of all, he smells. awful. like beer and smoke. in church. and he is wearing his earphones that are playing some awful selection at an outrageous volume. when he has blessed us with his presence before, it hasn't been a big deal. he just sort of mumbles and does his own thing. we just let him. but this time... was a little different.

token bum starts emptying out his pockets of trash into the little trays that hold the hymn books. plastic wrappers, half eaten slim-jims, and cigarette butts. hooo boy. the girl sitting in his row deserves an award. she didn't scoot over at all because she didn't want to make him feel bad. occasionally she would turn her head and plug her nose, but she did it discreetly and she has my respect.

but this story has not yet reached its pinacle. our trash deploying friend then proceeds to pull out a smutty magazine. and by smutty magazine, i mean hard porn. close-ups and that awful stuff. my good friend sitting in the prime seat of our row takes a glance at it, turns her head to look at me, and makes the most surprised/disgusted/amazed look i have ever seen on her face! i had not yet seen the mag when i leaned forward to see what he had in his hands. i myself was a tad shocked. and our lonely girl was disgusted. token bum flipped a few pages, then put it away. the whole of my group of friends was amazed. and i wouldn't be surprised to hear none of us got anything out of the talks that day. the worst part of this was the oggling. our bum was one-upping the girl every few minutes for the rest of the meeting. and the funniest part is the children of the family starting coming back! tapping the bum's leg and trying to get into the row! one of them tapped him, smiled big and said, "HI!" it was quite the spectacle. and it was only noticed by a select few of members of my congregation.

as we all left the building, we looked at each other, with buldging eyes and open mouths. we all were flabbergasted. about every hour, maybe even more often, i would just laugh to myself and say out loud, "i cannot believe that just happened." it was... memorable. all of my friends started calling friends and family, relaying the story.

everyone has their funny sacrament meeting story. the little kids that swear in their testimony or the ward crazy that tells their medical woes every month. i think i win. forever. i'd be surprised if i witnessed anything more absurd. i'll end with the words of my good friend that got the front seat to the sunnyvale crazy, " its so hard to create fantasy these days, because real life is crazier than anything else!"