something real

this week i felt really privileged.  i've got a lot in my life that i'm grateful for.  i got a car.  still doesn't feel real.  and the second day i had it, the battery died.  par for the course.  it felt very real, then.  Lil' Bud, is his name, and he has been real good to me since i got the new battery.  so there's that.

i've got a really good set of roommates.  i'm supported and loved and cherished.  and i'm grateful for that.  sometimes, when there's trouble, i try not to bring it up, and i just like to pound it out in my own brain.  but J doesn't let me do that.  she makes me say whats up and she and i talk, very frankly, about what we feel and what we need.  i wish there wasn't as much trouble, but its really good to have a person around who makes you deal with things you might just tuck away.  it has been good/hard to have that.  its making me learn.  and little A is just a gem.  she tells me she loves me and we laugh and play and watch shows and talk real life.

school is almost over.  two more weeks.  4 more days of class.  this week i felt like i was buckling under the pressure.  there is a lot to do in the next little while, and i'm slightly behind.  i forgot what spring term classes were like, and a full+ load is just as crazy ( if not, truly crazier) than a fall or winter term.  i'm not finding a whole lot of time, and it really blows to feel just as busy as i did last semester.  i can't wait for this to be done so i can read and lie in my hammock and swim and hike.

i can't remember if i stated this on the blog, but i dubbed 2012 as the year of spiritual progression, which is proving to be true.  maybe just progression.  i'm not sure what i'm learning, but i feel the growing pains.  i know that i am learning, and i know that i am stretching.  but its really difficult for me right now to know what it is exactly.  i'm working on hope, and i'm working on pushing myself to do things i don't/wouldn't do.  i'm thinking.  so much.  about faith, certainty, the future, understanding, eternal patience, my plan.  i've been reaching out to some important people in my life, and they have really been helping me. i'm only just now learning to share things with my mom, and i am seriously trying to be a better sister.  i don't talk to my family enough.  anyway, not the point.  the point is, in all this thinking and talking, i'm feeling antsy about leaving provo and moving on, even though i hear and understand all the "provo is great."  "don't wish away your time there" statements.  college, yes, is a great time.  but i know there is another place waiting for me.  and i need to get there.  i need it.  i'm through with the pressures and anxieties that live in this place, and i need to be away from it.  so i can feel normal.  because, guess what, i am.  and there isn't a mold i need to fit. my dear friend EM helped me understand that sincerity is a great quality, and even though people might not respond to it in this town, it is a real thing in other places.


i'm hearing an argument in my head about living in the present and loving the place where you are.  i hear this person saying, "why can't you just make the most of it?  is there nothing good there?  just live your life and be happy."  and to them i say, "cram it".  let me have this.  i'm different than you and i don't have to love everything.


i'm not saying i won't live a happy life here in the next year, but i am saying that i look forward to a new and different phase.  like always.  i can't seem to learn to love the present.  i'm always worried about something.  call it a coping mechanism.


i have a hard time allowing myself to feel what i feel and not feel sorry for it.  but this is maybe a first step.  i'm not editing this at all.  so its just kind of... pure emotion over here.  but its real.  and its inside me.  and i know there are faults.  i know there are really great things too.  and i know i can make people happy.  and there's a sense of fulfillment in that.


this is too long now.  re-cap, for my own purposes:  growing pains. normal and real.  self-acceptance.  being happy despite (to spite) it all. 


thanks for reading.

out of doors

some weekends, i hike.  

some hikes, i bring a friend.  

fulfilling a promise.

once upon a time, i said i would post this pic.

here it is.  see february 2012 frantic and flattered.

sometimes

sometimes i'm just real glad for non-sunday school on a bench outside with this girl.  

sometimes i just need that. 

i found myself really feeling in the pits on sunday.  heavy stuff from important friends.  i hurt when my friends hurt.  and its not easy to put on a cheery face all the time.  luckily, slash unluckily, my roommates were feeling the same way and i got to just sit outside and talk and nap and cook and eat and play.  benefits of being a ysa, i guess.  but let me just say, that there are some serious disadvantages.  to being a ysa, i mean.  

i never really expected to feel the way i do right now, but mostly because my imagination couldn't get outside college and byu.  boy, have i learned.  i'm so aware of the hard parts of life right now.  i'm aware of judgement and discrimination.  of rejection and dejection.  of depression and change.  this wise girl told me on sunday to make sure i knew what i was getting into.  we all get difficulties and challenges, and sometimes we choose them, but to be sure i know what i'm choosing and be aware of the consequences that could follow.  such wise words right?  she is beyond her years. 

anyway.  phases of emotion.  congrats, i'm a human.  ebb and flow, right?  right.  the Lord has a plan.  that much, i know.