windows and tacos.

twice today i have stalled in front of windows, held my chin and stared.  i think its mostly because my only outside time is travel time.  my subconscious is wanting to be out and about all day.  when really i've been in and about all day.

monday - tacos
tuesday - taco tuesday
wednesday - tbd, but most likely tacos.

get what you pay for

look for the cheapest flights, get the cheapest flights, get the most impossible connections, switch your carry-on bag 'cus you're worried about making your connection, miss your connection, miss your niece in her first halloween costume.

#sweatyfromrunningbackandforthinthestupidmassiveairport

trading goals

THIS is my new goal.
with our roles slightly swapped.  i just need to find a welsh glass artist.

a topic

i started watching this movie last night.  and finished it this morning before i went into the studio.
now, it IS rated r.  however, i will say that most of my uncomfort came from the tension of the film.
a synopsis for those who can't watch the trailer or something: michael and joana are married. joana accuses michael of being attracted to his coworker lady-friend after a work party.  they argue. then he goes on a business trip with her.  while he's away, joana runs into an old love flare that she is clearly still invested in.  the movie switches back and forth between their evenings and i couldn't decide which was more disappointing.  the man contemplating having sex with a woman other than his wife, even though he is devoted to her and loves her(his wife) or the woman who is open about her doubts concerning her marriage, is faithful, but still in love with another man.

i cried watching it.

there were many moments of two people simply holding each other because they don't have anything else to do.  i think i long to be held because i am loved.

- - -

tonight a dear friend was talking with me about my love life and some complications i'm embracing.  and she shared this song.



i, in all honesty, do not know if i believe that song. the temporality of it. there are people that never get married or find true love. i just think that its not a given for everyone.  and i think my disbelief in the song is in direct correlation with my fear of never finding true love myself.

i have conflicting emotions toward that possibility.  after having met an incredible, 65 year-old single woman who has helped hundreds, at the least, in their educations and careers, i have hope for my life no matter what.  but i'm still pondering and still thinking about what it would mean to never be loved enough to marry.  not that there is any shortage of love in the world, but still, a mormon girl thinks about these things.  it's hard not to feel equal love.

i know these thoughts are unfinished. but, they feel significant.

timp

yesterday, i hiked all the way to the top of this mountain.  11,749 feet (3,581 m)

 my legs now feel like this.

it truly is one of the most beautiful hikes i've ever done.  it is brutal, but totally doable.  i face my fears a little, the heights were a tad scary.  but i did it.  and now i'm done.  and i will probably never do it again.  which i'm okay with.  if i can get the pics from K$ i may post 'em as evidence.

i been busy

so, here is some stuff i'm working on.  it's raw and unfinished, but i just thought i'd update the world on my latest efforts. 3 weeks and counting.  i'd say i'm off to a good start. 

i think these two are going to be a pair. 

this is the tallest one.  he doesn't have a beak yet, but soon. 

the more unfinished one is going to get fired and then be used for a mold.  

gonna see if i can mass produce these guys and still have them feel unique. 

this is a new process for me, but i'm feelin' good about it. 

new today

low quality photo.  high quality studio space.  so so excited for the comings of the year.

woke up late

had i not woken up late this morning, i might have missed an opportunity to say "good morning" back to el presidente of byu today.  yep.  we looked at each other, he said, "good morning" and i said it right back.  cecil O, good morning to you, sir.  and thanks for bringing back women's studies.

more latest pics

 these are my sibs.  i got to be with all of them for a few days.  the whole fam was together.  it was really lovely.

this is at a local pool.  that baby.  too much. 

she belongs in our family.  obsessed with water already.  i love it. 

here's what the hair looks like today.  its a totally different ball game with the curly bits.  it feels really blonde.   i look really worried in this pic, but i'm not actually that worried anymore.  its just an adjustment.  thanks for the encouraging words. 

photo cred: cam and katie and daniel

i did something i've never done before

ALH, my visiting bestie, came with me on this adventure and i'm so happy she did.  she thought i looked like a dr. seuss character.  i thought i looked like someone on a melissa joan heart sitcom.  

then came the foil.  she asked me how i feel.  i said, "foiled". 

 rinse and wash.  best feeling of my life.  how come your head feels so good sometimes?

noticeably lighter while still wet.  i was a little skeptical.  but i just kind of let her do what she wanted.  

the final product.  every hair person wants to straighten my hair.  so i let her.  plus, they all like to cut it straight and dry.  which doesn't always make sense to me, seeing as i have massively curly hair, but shwatev. hasn't been a bad cut yet. 

i feel a little bit like rogue with that blondey streak.  but i feel like i look like a babe.  thanks studio L.  

2 week vacay beginnings

 meeting the beeb was great.  i mean, great great.  a gem of a memory. truly.

just look at her!  i dare you to keep looking.  you won't handle it.  she's too much.

two days ago i arrived in heaven(+biting flies) and i rode the bicycle that once belonged to my mother.  it was a big deal when she got it 'cus it was green.  and not blue or red.  also, i wore a baseball cap for the first time in a real long one.  it was nice.  i think i'll do it again.

i rode down the driveway, past the gate and fallen trees to the dirt road and rode that to the second closest lake to the cabin.  first closest is in front of me right now.  and i'm in the cabin.  anyway, it was lovely.  i completely enjoyed it.  a lot of times on family vacation, i wish that i could bring all of my friends.  and then it might be better.  but also, it's maybe best that my friends aren't exposed to this.  it's nutsy.  (ps- hand is on its way down from fixing the hat.  kinda silly)

!

today i get to see these people.

only the babe now looks like this. 

crazy right? crazy excited. 

alone v lonely

today, i wanted solitude.  so much.  so, after going to my favorite grocery store, buying my favorite fruit, and stopping by my favorite vending machine, i drove onto a "closed road".  i stopped and sat on top of my car. i watched and listened and smelled and thought.  i felt alone and not at all lonely.  i compared my surroundings to lounging on my bed wasting time on the internet or worse, television.  it felt like a breakthrough. 


i recently asked God for some specific blessings and have received pretty immediate responses.  when i was sitting there on my car in the sunlight, the overwhelming emotion i felt was peace.  not a habitual emotion for me.  i felt comfort and success and even a little progress.  it felt epic.  


in an attempt to keep this short, because this feels personal and i have no idea how many people care to read this, i will say:  alone and lonely are very different.  i have passively felt the depths of the latter, but am now choosing the former.  it feels like one of the top 3 choices i've ever made.  


with help from this video, posted recently by a friend, i'm starting a list of things to do alone.  i've decided not to be lonely.  and i'm pretty pleased about that. 

divided

if i could have separate lives, these are the lives i would live:
- the one i'm living now where i become an art teacher and renowned artist after grad school and much world travel.
- the one where i didn't switch to art and i really did become a PA and travel the world working with people and educating them about health.  i think i would live in south africa.  [this is the one i, maybe, wish most was reality]
- the one where i stay in dance classes past 7 years old and i become a triple threat (sing, dance, act) and live and work and love and eat in new york and london and other performing hubs.  [for this, i would have to be good at lying, of sorts, which i am not. very not.]
- the one where i live in the mountains and work at a horse stable teaching peeps to ride beautiful horses and i live outside.  where it's green.
- the one where i study languages, and get recruited by a secret operation because of my mad language skills.
- the one where i'm a jazz singer.
- the one where i have a folk band and i'm on the banjo. [not not an option.  double negative.]
- the one where i'm a midwife. and all i do is work with women and their babies.

i have far too many interests.  it makes it really hard to concentrate sometimes.

best holiday

i haven't always loved the 4th of july.  but, it has become a favorite for sure.

i'm obsessed with this picture. photo cred to "friend" and JM's phone.