something real

this week i felt really privileged.  i've got a lot in my life that i'm grateful for.  i got a car.  still doesn't feel real.  and the second day i had it, the battery died.  par for the course.  it felt very real, then.  Lil' Bud, is his name, and he has been real good to me since i got the new battery.  so there's that.

i've got a really good set of roommates.  i'm supported and loved and cherished.  and i'm grateful for that.  sometimes, when there's trouble, i try not to bring it up, and i just like to pound it out in my own brain.  but J doesn't let me do that.  she makes me say whats up and she and i talk, very frankly, about what we feel and what we need.  i wish there wasn't as much trouble, but its really good to have a person around who makes you deal with things you might just tuck away.  it has been good/hard to have that.  its making me learn.  and little A is just a gem.  she tells me she loves me and we laugh and play and watch shows and talk real life.

school is almost over.  two more weeks.  4 more days of class.  this week i felt like i was buckling under the pressure.  there is a lot to do in the next little while, and i'm slightly behind.  i forgot what spring term classes were like, and a full+ load is just as crazy ( if not, truly crazier) than a fall or winter term.  i'm not finding a whole lot of time, and it really blows to feel just as busy as i did last semester.  i can't wait for this to be done so i can read and lie in my hammock and swim and hike.

i can't remember if i stated this on the blog, but i dubbed 2012 as the year of spiritual progression, which is proving to be true.  maybe just progression.  i'm not sure what i'm learning, but i feel the growing pains.  i know that i am learning, and i know that i am stretching.  but its really difficult for me right now to know what it is exactly.  i'm working on hope, and i'm working on pushing myself to do things i don't/wouldn't do.  i'm thinking.  so much.  about faith, certainty, the future, understanding, eternal patience, my plan.  i've been reaching out to some important people in my life, and they have really been helping me. i'm only just now learning to share things with my mom, and i am seriously trying to be a better sister.  i don't talk to my family enough.  anyway, not the point.  the point is, in all this thinking and talking, i'm feeling antsy about leaving provo and moving on, even though i hear and understand all the "provo is great."  "don't wish away your time there" statements.  college, yes, is a great time.  but i know there is another place waiting for me.  and i need to get there.  i need it.  i'm through with the pressures and anxieties that live in this place, and i need to be away from it.  so i can feel normal.  because, guess what, i am.  and there isn't a mold i need to fit. my dear friend EM helped me understand that sincerity is a great quality, and even though people might not respond to it in this town, it is a real thing in other places.


i'm hearing an argument in my head about living in the present and loving the place where you are.  i hear this person saying, "why can't you just make the most of it?  is there nothing good there?  just live your life and be happy."  and to them i say, "cram it".  let me have this.  i'm different than you and i don't have to love everything.


i'm not saying i won't live a happy life here in the next year, but i am saying that i look forward to a new and different phase.  like always.  i can't seem to learn to love the present.  i'm always worried about something.  call it a coping mechanism.


i have a hard time allowing myself to feel what i feel and not feel sorry for it.  but this is maybe a first step.  i'm not editing this at all.  so its just kind of... pure emotion over here.  but its real.  and its inside me.  and i know there are faults.  i know there are really great things too.  and i know i can make people happy.  and there's a sense of fulfillment in that.


this is too long now.  re-cap, for my own purposes:  growing pains. normal and real.  self-acceptance.  being happy despite (to spite) it all. 


thanks for reading.

out of doors

some weekends, i hike.  

some hikes, i bring a friend.  

fulfilling a promise.

once upon a time, i said i would post this pic.

here it is.  see february 2012 frantic and flattered.

sometimes

sometimes i'm just real glad for non-sunday school on a bench outside with this girl.  

sometimes i just need that. 

i found myself really feeling in the pits on sunday.  heavy stuff from important friends.  i hurt when my friends hurt.  and its not easy to put on a cheery face all the time.  luckily, slash unluckily, my roommates were feeling the same way and i got to just sit outside and talk and nap and cook and eat and play.  benefits of being a ysa, i guess.  but let me just say, that there are some serious disadvantages.  to being a ysa, i mean.  

i never really expected to feel the way i do right now, but mostly because my imagination couldn't get outside college and byu.  boy, have i learned.  i'm so aware of the hard parts of life right now.  i'm aware of judgement and discrimination.  of rejection and dejection.  of depression and change.  this wise girl told me on sunday to make sure i knew what i was getting into.  we all get difficulties and challenges, and sometimes we choose them, but to be sure i know what i'm choosing and be aware of the consequences that could follow.  such wise words right?  she is beyond her years. 

anyway.  phases of emotion.  congrats, i'm a human.  ebb and flow, right?  right.  the Lord has a plan.  that much, i know. 

just a little adventure

 photos compliment of a new friend, JE.  we all drove down friday night, camped just outside Goblin Valley State Park and then went around the bend to hike.  after the hike we went into the park.  such a rad place.

start of the hike.  ding dang canyon.

finished off with a little visit to the goblins.  i was in awe. 

i'm a little bit sore. 

next weekend the ol' roommate is visiting and the weekend after that i'm in capitol reef.  hello summertime.  

yummer

gotta make this.

summer reading list

sex, economy, freedom & community - wendell berry
animal vegetable miracle - barbara kingsolver
animal farm - george orwell
east of eden - john steinbeck (a repeat)
travels with charlie
winter of our discontent
in dubious battle - all john steinbeck

thats what i got so far.  i had a list somewhere, but it disappeared.  any other suggestions?

the end of a season

officially done with finals.  and done with the semester.  

i feel tired.  even though my "finals week" hasn't been that bad, the week before that, and the week before that, were. 

here are some things that have helped me this winter:

bought this a little while ago.  O.P.I. tickle my france-y.  i LOVE this nail polish.  its maybe the only one i have ever cared about.  and i think it should last forever.  i just got really concerned it would go away and very motivated to buy, like, 3 more bottles of it right soon. 

this girl.  our beds are so close.  and we sleep in the same room every night.  she has been a God-send this semester and i am so so glad that we are living together and will continue to until the end of august.  she makes great baked things, is clean, cares about what i do, and always gets ready with me on sunday mornings. [i know my mother would be weeping with joy if she saw how long i took to get ready when i'm with Jro.]

memories of places that truly look like this. 

friends who like to do this. 

and of course, being in love in and with paris.  ugh.  miss it so bad. 

all in all a really busy and emotional semester.  i'm lucky to be done, and to have good people in my life who help me and smile with me and watch river monsters on a whim.  

here's to a whole week off.  classes start on tuesday. 

flattery

this is a lovely photo taken by my friend josie bailey.  she is doing this really awesome project for one of her classes here she interviews and photgraphs 21 different people in 21 days.  i'm number 13.  i didn't quite know what she had in mind when she asked me if she could photograph me, but it was quite lovely.  she asked me questions about leadership and there were some really interesting things discussed.  i just gotta say i felt real flattered by the way she was and what she's written about me.  i think she's a gem and i'm really into her photography.  it looks great.  check her out.

why we have best friends

so, its one of those times where i think i can do homework and watch old movies at the same time.  but really what i'm doing is blogging.  so there you go. 

tonight i was on the phone with my bestie across the country, and we were talking about some things.
updates on work, and school respectively.  i have to write a research paper on an artist who contextualizes me. and i'm looking at this woman.  i was explaining her artwork and this ensued:
me-
"well, we're not totally alike.  i'm not making mormon work, but i am making spiritual work."
bestie-
"that's maybe the coolest thing you've ever said."
me-
"wha?"
bestie-
"that's maybe the coolest thing you've ever said."
me-
"oh."

haha.  i'm feeling full of ideas and really pretty great about it.  not stressed at all. school work will be at maximum in the coming weeks, so... expect some random posts. 

bandwagon

consider this one jumped.

necessities

some days all i want to do is make stuff. 

necessary items in my life:
needles.
thread.
fabric.
glue.
paper.
envelopes.
knitting needles.
pens. lots of pens.
notebooks.(thanks cam and katie for providing so many.)
postcards.
photo editing software.
scissors.
books.

today, i need to do homework. 

a new thing

i'm getting really into staying in touch with people.

all people.

all people i like.

a real human being

so, some days, i really really love being at my home by myself.  it feels like the perfect little thing i've been needing.  this evening i got a little time to myself.  lovely.  i feel like i'm finally listening to my body, and some days, you just need arepas, cookie dough and a bath.  and to paint your nails a new color.  even if the color doesn't really show.  maybe that's what i love most about it.

sometimes it's just plain old nice to treat your body like you love it.  like you know it.  like you notice it. 

i wish that taking care of a spirit was as easy. 

i guess i don't really know how i problem solve.  often i feel like i melt.  but as of recently, i haven't been so proactive about solutions.  i wish that i were.  i wish that there was a magical answer for the questions i have and also i wish that maybe i didn't enjoy not getting them so much.  i don't mean to say that i'm enjoying a little distance from spirituality or anything.  i just feel in full the range of human emotion and struggle. well, maybe not in full, but we all have our limits and our hardships. 

i just feel so satisfied with the fact that i am asking and wondering and searching and struggling and trying.  it feels like real life, even though i live in provo.  where dreams are dreamed(pronounced dreamt).

i've been thinking a lot about my future and graduate school.  also about leaving provo eventually.  and even though i may miss provo, the idea of being somewhere else sounds real nice to me.  really real.  living a different life, where i can read books and make food and have a significant income with rather limited expenses.  i can still do those things here, minus the income.  but in my brain, reading to read just can't happen without a substantial amount of guilt(that is paralyzing some times). 

in summation, i feel conflicted and filled with wonder concerning many things.  when i talk about them i feel passionate, and that feels great. although, some straight up answers/results could be great, i think. 

also, i got my piano back.  i've been playing it. 

a needed break.

a weekend in boise.  just what i needed to get me back on the blogosphere. my friends CA, S, L and J roadtripped with me in a little prius to save gas and the environment all the way to CA's old stomping grounds in boise.  i had never been, but i did so enjoy it.  

here's the seal at the capitol building.  two extra sets of feet.  CA's bro B and an old friend of mine. 

found the self-timer.  beautiful building, am i right?

 we played a game called see how far you can get on a 2 second timer.  funny. 

 the whole crew in the capitol.  post dance party.  yep.  with an iphone.  in the capitol.  

 the greatest climbing tree.  we sat here and had some good talks.
also, i did a few poses.

the beautiful boise river.  it was a great sunday afternoon walk. talk of many great books. and such great bonding moments.