i been busy

so, here is some stuff i'm working on.  it's raw and unfinished, but i just thought i'd update the world on my latest efforts. 3 weeks and counting.  i'd say i'm off to a good start. 

i think these two are going to be a pair. 

this is the tallest one.  he doesn't have a beak yet, but soon. 

the more unfinished one is going to get fired and then be used for a mold.  

gonna see if i can mass produce these guys and still have them feel unique. 

this is a new process for me, but i'm feelin' good about it. 

new today

low quality photo.  high quality studio space.  so so excited for the comings of the year.

woke up late

had i not woken up late this morning, i might have missed an opportunity to say "good morning" back to el presidente of byu today.  yep.  we looked at each other, he said, "good morning" and i said it right back.  cecil O, good morning to you, sir.  and thanks for bringing back women's studies.

more latest pics

 these are my sibs.  i got to be with all of them for a few days.  the whole fam was together.  it was really lovely.

this is at a local pool.  that baby.  too much. 

she belongs in our family.  obsessed with water already.  i love it. 

here's what the hair looks like today.  its a totally different ball game with the curly bits.  it feels really blonde.   i look really worried in this pic, but i'm not actually that worried anymore.  its just an adjustment.  thanks for the encouraging words. 

photo cred: cam and katie and daniel

i did something i've never done before

ALH, my visiting bestie, came with me on this adventure and i'm so happy she did.  she thought i looked like a dr. seuss character.  i thought i looked like someone on a melissa joan heart sitcom.  

then came the foil.  she asked me how i feel.  i said, "foiled". 

 rinse and wash.  best feeling of my life.  how come your head feels so good sometimes?

noticeably lighter while still wet.  i was a little skeptical.  but i just kind of let her do what she wanted.  

the final product.  every hair person wants to straighten my hair.  so i let her.  plus, they all like to cut it straight and dry.  which doesn't always make sense to me, seeing as i have massively curly hair, but shwatev. hasn't been a bad cut yet. 

i feel a little bit like rogue with that blondey streak.  but i feel like i look like a babe.  thanks studio L.  

2 week vacay beginnings

 meeting the beeb was great.  i mean, great great.  a gem of a memory. truly.

just look at her!  i dare you to keep looking.  you won't handle it.  she's too much.

two days ago i arrived in heaven(+biting flies) and i rode the bicycle that once belonged to my mother.  it was a big deal when she got it 'cus it was green.  and not blue or red.  also, i wore a baseball cap for the first time in a real long one.  it was nice.  i think i'll do it again.

i rode down the driveway, past the gate and fallen trees to the dirt road and rode that to the second closest lake to the cabin.  first closest is in front of me right now.  and i'm in the cabin.  anyway, it was lovely.  i completely enjoyed it.  a lot of times on family vacation, i wish that i could bring all of my friends.  and then it might be better.  but also, it's maybe best that my friends aren't exposed to this.  it's nutsy.  (ps- hand is on its way down from fixing the hat.  kinda silly)

!

today i get to see these people.

only the babe now looks like this. 

crazy right? crazy excited. 

alone v lonely

today, i wanted solitude.  so much.  so, after going to my favorite grocery store, buying my favorite fruit, and stopping by my favorite vending machine, i drove onto a "closed road".  i stopped and sat on top of my car. i watched and listened and smelled and thought.  i felt alone and not at all lonely.  i compared my surroundings to lounging on my bed wasting time on the internet or worse, television.  it felt like a breakthrough. 


i recently asked God for some specific blessings and have received pretty immediate responses.  when i was sitting there on my car in the sunlight, the overwhelming emotion i felt was peace.  not a habitual emotion for me.  i felt comfort and success and even a little progress.  it felt epic.  


in an attempt to keep this short, because this feels personal and i have no idea how many people care to read this, i will say:  alone and lonely are very different.  i have passively felt the depths of the latter, but am now choosing the former.  it feels like one of the top 3 choices i've ever made.  


with help from this video, posted recently by a friend, i'm starting a list of things to do alone.  i've decided not to be lonely.  and i'm pretty pleased about that. 

divided

if i could have separate lives, these are the lives i would live:
- the one i'm living now where i become an art teacher and renowned artist after grad school and much world travel.
- the one where i didn't switch to art and i really did become a PA and travel the world working with people and educating them about health.  i think i would live in south africa.  [this is the one i, maybe, wish most was reality]
- the one where i stay in dance classes past 7 years old and i become a triple threat (sing, dance, act) and live and work and love and eat in new york and london and other performing hubs.  [for this, i would have to be good at lying, of sorts, which i am not. very not.]
- the one where i live in the mountains and work at a horse stable teaching peeps to ride beautiful horses and i live outside.  where it's green.
- the one where i study languages, and get recruited by a secret operation because of my mad language skills.
- the one where i'm a jazz singer.
- the one where i have a folk band and i'm on the banjo. [not not an option.  double negative.]
- the one where i'm a midwife. and all i do is work with women and their babies.

i have far too many interests.  it makes it really hard to concentrate sometimes.

best holiday

i haven't always loved the 4th of july.  but, it has become a favorite for sure.

i'm obsessed with this picture. photo cred to "friend" and JM's phone.

two good things

i love the occasional moment when i first look right, then left at an intersection.  whether i'm a pedestrian, biker or driver.  it gently reminds me of a time i once lived in a country where that's the norm.  and then i think that i lived in another country.  and that is so nice.

a baby raccoon sat in my arms tonight.  he is still so tiny, and he has been raised by a human because his parents abandoned him after they were trapped.  so this little rascal walked right over to me and crawled on my leg and sat in my elbow for a few moments.  his feet were so soft and sort of chilled.  and his face was so perfect.  it was the sweetest thing.

something real

this week i felt really privileged.  i've got a lot in my life that i'm grateful for.  i got a car.  still doesn't feel real.  and the second day i had it, the battery died.  par for the course.  it felt very real, then.  Lil' Bud, is his name, and he has been real good to me since i got the new battery.  so there's that.

i've got a really good set of roommates.  i'm supported and loved and cherished.  and i'm grateful for that.  sometimes, when there's trouble, i try not to bring it up, and i just like to pound it out in my own brain.  but J doesn't let me do that.  she makes me say whats up and she and i talk, very frankly, about what we feel and what we need.  i wish there wasn't as much trouble, but its really good to have a person around who makes you deal with things you might just tuck away.  it has been good/hard to have that.  its making me learn.  and little A is just a gem.  she tells me she loves me and we laugh and play and watch shows and talk real life.

school is almost over.  two more weeks.  4 more days of class.  this week i felt like i was buckling under the pressure.  there is a lot to do in the next little while, and i'm slightly behind.  i forgot what spring term classes were like, and a full+ load is just as crazy ( if not, truly crazier) than a fall or winter term.  i'm not finding a whole lot of time, and it really blows to feel just as busy as i did last semester.  i can't wait for this to be done so i can read and lie in my hammock and swim and hike.

i can't remember if i stated this on the blog, but i dubbed 2012 as the year of spiritual progression, which is proving to be true.  maybe just progression.  i'm not sure what i'm learning, but i feel the growing pains.  i know that i am learning, and i know that i am stretching.  but its really difficult for me right now to know what it is exactly.  i'm working on hope, and i'm working on pushing myself to do things i don't/wouldn't do.  i'm thinking.  so much.  about faith, certainty, the future, understanding, eternal patience, my plan.  i've been reaching out to some important people in my life, and they have really been helping me. i'm only just now learning to share things with my mom, and i am seriously trying to be a better sister.  i don't talk to my family enough.  anyway, not the point.  the point is, in all this thinking and talking, i'm feeling antsy about leaving provo and moving on, even though i hear and understand all the "provo is great."  "don't wish away your time there" statements.  college, yes, is a great time.  but i know there is another place waiting for me.  and i need to get there.  i need it.  i'm through with the pressures and anxieties that live in this place, and i need to be away from it.  so i can feel normal.  because, guess what, i am.  and there isn't a mold i need to fit. my dear friend EM helped me understand that sincerity is a great quality, and even though people might not respond to it in this town, it is a real thing in other places.


i'm hearing an argument in my head about living in the present and loving the place where you are.  i hear this person saying, "why can't you just make the most of it?  is there nothing good there?  just live your life and be happy."  and to them i say, "cram it".  let me have this.  i'm different than you and i don't have to love everything.


i'm not saying i won't live a happy life here in the next year, but i am saying that i look forward to a new and different phase.  like always.  i can't seem to learn to love the present.  i'm always worried about something.  call it a coping mechanism.


i have a hard time allowing myself to feel what i feel and not feel sorry for it.  but this is maybe a first step.  i'm not editing this at all.  so its just kind of... pure emotion over here.  but its real.  and its inside me.  and i know there are faults.  i know there are really great things too.  and i know i can make people happy.  and there's a sense of fulfillment in that.


this is too long now.  re-cap, for my own purposes:  growing pains. normal and real.  self-acceptance.  being happy despite (to spite) it all. 


thanks for reading.

out of doors

some weekends, i hike.  

some hikes, i bring a friend.  

fulfilling a promise.

once upon a time, i said i would post this pic.

here it is.  see february 2012 frantic and flattered.

sometimes

sometimes i'm just real glad for non-sunday school on a bench outside with this girl.  

sometimes i just need that. 

i found myself really feeling in the pits on sunday.  heavy stuff from important friends.  i hurt when my friends hurt.  and its not easy to put on a cheery face all the time.  luckily, slash unluckily, my roommates were feeling the same way and i got to just sit outside and talk and nap and cook and eat and play.  benefits of being a ysa, i guess.  but let me just say, that there are some serious disadvantages.  to being a ysa, i mean.  

i never really expected to feel the way i do right now, but mostly because my imagination couldn't get outside college and byu.  boy, have i learned.  i'm so aware of the hard parts of life right now.  i'm aware of judgement and discrimination.  of rejection and dejection.  of depression and change.  this wise girl told me on sunday to make sure i knew what i was getting into.  we all get difficulties and challenges, and sometimes we choose them, but to be sure i know what i'm choosing and be aware of the consequences that could follow.  such wise words right?  she is beyond her years. 

anyway.  phases of emotion.  congrats, i'm a human.  ebb and flow, right?  right.  the Lord has a plan.  that much, i know.